Mind Matters

The argumentative person

2010-09-03T21:49:00.001+01:00

Ever got into an argument with a person who seems to think s/he is always right? Or must have the last word?

I have, and it is tiresome. Not only because such people have a narrow mind-set, but they also feel as if I must explain my every position. Or worse, I must supply the burden of proof due to their fallacious arguments.

If you don’t understand what I mean by fallacious arguments, please look it up… this is such a big topic, I cannot fully explain it here.

Updating this blog

2010-08-22T22:21:00.001+01:00

It’s been a while since I posted anything on this blog. In fact, I’d even forgot it existed, until a friend reminded me a few minutes ago.

Sometimes, writing here takes a deep toll on me. Granted, some things said here doesn’t seem to be that private but it takes a lot out of me to reveal this much about myself. Sometimes after writing, I feel emotionally drained.

It is amazing at how emotions can drain the energy out of a person.

I really must keep up here more regularly.

Dotish, mannerless people 2

2010-04-29T09:12:00.001+01:00

There is a continuation to the saga.

Shortly after leaving my home, the husband of the dotish couple called and informed me the item in question belonged to his father. Really? I was there when it was purchased and it was not by his father. In fact, if I recall correctly, the original purchaser (the brother-in-law of the wife, whom I was good friends with at the time) did not have enough money and took cash off me to make up the price.

I told him it did not matter, since the item was already ‘lost’ to them due to the fact they did not remove it or claim it during the time they had to retrieve their belongings from the house.

Minutes after I got a call from his father who claimed the item belongs to him and he had a receipt to prove it. He claimed he lent it to his son ‘a few years’ ago and ‘forgot’ to take it back. I told him I was happy for him. He still was not getting the item from me. Obviously here we can see the lies…

He threatened me with court action. I merely told him to knock himself out.

Late yesterday evening, I received a call from an unknown, overseas number. The ‘1’ prefix indicated it was originating from the USA.

The caller turned out to be the sister of the wife, who began the conversation by threatening me. She claimed the item belonged to her husband. See the lies here again? First it belonged to one person, then the father of the husband from next door, then now a chap living in the USA for some years.

She threatened to report me to the immigration authorities (I am a legal Brit) then to the tax authorities (my taxes are deducted when I work so I have nothing to fear).

I ought to have reminded her that people in glass houses should not throw stones. She herself took £90K loan from the bank, and absconded to the USA with it where she seems to be in ‘hiding’ and not repaying the loan. I’ve had calls at my home from bank personnel trying to track her down. Then she had her sister (the wife next door) pretend to be her and even sign documents (forging the signature) as if she was the sister from the USA. This is fraud, not so?

Yes, all this for an item that is worth perhaps less than £100. Now, readers may ask why did I not just give it to them and save myself the hassle. I suppose that was an easy way out, except people who know me know I never take the easy way out, back down from a challenge or abide stupidity, especially when it is to this extent.

Dotish, mannerless people

2010-04-28T15:55:00.001+01:00

Yesterday, I had cause to throw out 2 neighbours from my house. Not physically of course, but had it come to that I would have had no problems doing so.

The cheeky bastards were a bit over the limits of politeness when they sat in my house and began cursing me.

Now these are 2 very ungrateful wretches I must say. Having been evicted from their house (the husband preferred to spend his money on ‘toys’ and other sundry items instead of paying his rent/mortgage), and having no where to go, I kindly offered the use of my home.

Granted, they did not have to take me up on the offer as the local council provided accommodation literally a couple of days before they would have bee unceremoniously tossed out by the bank, but the offer was there as a safety net. Still, once they removed their own items from the house next door, having no stove to cook on or washing machine to do laundry etc… they were free to use mine on a daily basis. And they did.

I did not complain; it was I who offered the facility.

The problem started yesterday morning when the bank sent men round yesterday to remove all the junk from the house… after the bailiffs evicted them. Keep in mind they’d had 2 months to move all their stuff out. Plus an additional 7 days to contact the new agents to access and remove any items forgotten. A notice was pinned to the door to this effect.

Well, the garbage men voluntarily gave me three items I thought were in fair good condition and which I thought I may be able to use. I did not ask for these items! I happened to be passing by and the man in charge pointed them out and told me to take them. I asked him 3 times if it won’t be a problem, and he pointed out that they were going to be thrown out to the dump. one of the items turned out to be my own toolkit loaned to the neighbour years before and forgotten.

I had another one of those items in my home when the same evicted neighbours came over on a visit and demanded it back after seeing it. Less than 5 minutes after sitting down. Of course, I refused. Keep in mind here these items were left in the house, never claimed and were now given to me from the junk that was about to be dumped, more so, items they no longer legally own due to the fact that the bank now legally owned anything and everything left in the house.

My refusal incited a kind of madness/anger in the wife who I must say I long thought to have no manners or training. Yesterday proved me right.

Still I preferred to throw their sorry arses out rather than return it. Why? I guess it’s because I have a bit of a contrary nature too.

The Look

2010-02-08T07:36:00.001Z

I’ve seen The Look several times in my life. From 2 different persons.

The Look is special. It’s the one a person gives you to tell you that you mean more to them than anything else in the world. It’s the one that they use to tell you that you’re the only person they’re so into.

The one that tells you they think you can walk on water.

I’ve had that look from an ex-girlfriend so many years ago, and now I fear I will spend the rest of my life never seeing it again.

Thank God for kids. I still see it in them.

Fuck off, wankers

2009-12-16T09:19:00.001Z

Yesterday was a day I got really annoyed.

It started with a message on Facebook from a distance cousin, from whom I had not heard from for nearly 20 years. In fact, since the family migrated to the USA, they seemed to be ‘overs’ the poorer side of the clan, namely us.

Anyway, the cousin ups and says: Hi, it’s me… (name here).

I am like: ??

Cousin: You know, me, your father’s sister’s daughter (or some shit like that).

Me: Sorry, I don’t keep in contact with either side of the family. No need to write back.

Now, some people may think I am unduly harsh, but since most of the people (especially on my father’s side) are wankers of the first order, you can understand why I keep my distance.

Especially so since they don’t actually look for my siblings who remain in Trinidad, but only me, the one person who has moved out of the country.

I have to ask myself, is there something in the sand in Trinidad that makes it taboo to keep in touch with us while we are there? How come suddenly I am out, and I am worth knowing?

All I can say to people like that is “Fuck off!!”

Liars and lies

2009-10-30T06:24:00.001Z

I hate liars. I hate it even more when people accuse me of being one.

I recently had a friend, whom I have a great deal of respect and admiration for, practically accuse me of being a liar.

Now, anyone who knows me even for a short while, will know how absented minded I am. Really, I am the butt of jokes among my friends for having the worst memory of anyone they ever knew.

But, as I like to point out, my mind works on a higher plane, and what I remember are the important things.

In this instance, I was in an online conversation, and a neighbour knocked on the door. In the first few seconds of him stepping inside, I realised it would be quite rude to turn my back to him to resume my conversation (and yes, also rude to the person online), but also because he related an intriguing problem, I was soon lost in the puzzle and plumb forgot about my online friend.

Now, I genuinely forgot, so when I returned online, I was rather puzzled to be presented with a ‘cold shoulder’.

Needless to say, I tried explaining, and I was not believed… essentially my friend was calling me a liar.

That is something I do not forgive lightly, and have been known to cut people loose from my life for similar actions.

Whether my friend and I will ‘make up’ is to be seen, but really, I sincerely hope so. I’d hate for her not to know how special I am… :-)

Macco

2009-10-25T19:20:00.001Z

I hate snoopy neighbours. I hate idiots. I hate snoopy neighbours who are idiots. What we call a macco in Trinidad.

Okay, hate might be too strong a word but any reader with a little commonsense will know exactly what I am ranting about.

I have to say, I think snoopy idiotic neighbours deserve a place in a special little corner of hell.

Anyway, what this rant is about is that, for one night, I left my cat locked indoors – complete with food and water of course – and came home the next morning… only to find out today one of my neighbours reported me to the RSPCA for cruelty to the cat.

Now, if only someone would BBQ his balls… the neighbour, not the cat.

Sensitivity

2009-10-24T08:21:00.001+01:00

Last night, I had an email from a friend who asked for some help in a school assignment.

The talk ran around eventually to a boy she liked… for a whole 10 years.

He does not like her, and well, lately he has been saying some mean things about her. Some are cruel, callous and really… even if one were to think a little, one would realise people have feelings that can get hurt.

Of course, in my earlier days I was just as guilty. There is something about men that prevents us from seeing the softer, more emotional side to women. We can be brutish, even without meaning to.

I think as I get older, I am being more sensitive. Yes, I can be cruel if I intend to.Yes, I think twice about intending to.

Sometimes though, the innate insensitivity of a man comes through like a cannonball through wet tissue.

Perhaps we men need to be with women.

Will ethics get in the way?

2009-10-23T10:46:00.001+01:00

A few days ago, someone asked me a very difficult question.

I am studying law, and the person asked me whether I would like to make money, or, would I continue to follow my strong ethical values?

I could not answer that question for a few reasons... at least, I can’t answer it now.

For one thing, I grew up in poverty… a lot of poverty. So in me, there is always that drive to make money.

On the other hand, I have very, very strong ethics, so I have never been tempted to steal or be corrupt, no matter how ‘desperate’ I’ve become.

My strong ethics tell me I will have a problem defending someone I know is guilty. On the other hand, that same strong ethics tells me everyone is entitled to a defence.

So there is some sort of quandary in me. Good thing is I have a whole 3 years to figure it out.

Rising

2009-10-19T06:37:00.001+01:00

For a few days, I have not posted anything here. I think other pressing issues were keeping me back, and also because I did not have access to my PC as regularly as I would have liked.

Last night I was having a conversation with a friend/customer.

I was explaining to him some of the outrage I felt when I see injustice being done. Sometimes the anger bubbles up and spills out, not violently, but I do cuss a bit.

It was up to another friend to point out that by getting angry, I am allowing the other party to ‘win’.

It is human to be angry. But it is also because we are human, we can rise above that anger.

The question is whether I can. I don’t know, if I am to be truthful and completely honest. Being human makes us prone to fall, often.

The question is how often we are prepared to rise.

Changing priorities

2009-10-15T14:13:00.001+01:00

Last night, as I sat in my bed reading (The Hobbit), I realise that I am a little lonely. Of course, it could be because I am living alone.

It’s a little more than that though. For the past 9 or 10 years, I've been involved in other things, like studying, to pay too close attention to my social life.

I’ve never been the type to party or to go out to clubs etc. I enjoy the occasional quality concert, (Air Supply was a blast and remains my favourite), and the odd socialising with friends.

I hadn’t been to a wedding from the age of about 8 to the time I was 21. I then attended 3 and skipped 13 years before the next one.

I don’t go to church, mosque or temple since I am not religious. So no socialising that way.

However, I have gone out on dates with some very special young maidens (although maidens they did not stay). :-)

My thought ran to my very wicked past, and I have to say, I wonder how I’ve changed, when I’d rather spend a quiet evening indoors with a good book, than go hunting for women.

Not that I don’t enjoy feminine company. Any red-blooded Trini man would. I just have different priorities now.

Maybe after this current degree, I will look for some company to keep on a permanent basis.

Hotter than normal

2009-10-11T09:13:00.001+01:00

It’s been a crazier week than normal. On Monday I learnt that my landlord entered my home, without permission, on Sunday 4th.

He was seen by an acquaintance of mine. Now, here it is illegal for a landlord to enter the premises, even if they own it, without first informing the tenant at least 24 hours in advance, and without a valid reason. In other words, he can’t just come round because he feels like it.

Since he popped in, I have been without heat (my neighbour thinks he sabotaged it). I’d also been without electricity but that was sorted by the 6th… he then promised that the heat would be restored by the 7th.

It is now the 11th. The engineer came out yesterday and condemned the entire heating system. He claimed it was so old, he can lose his license just by tampering with it.

So… we now wait to see how long before I have my heat restored. I am getting real hot over this one.

Curves

2009-10-08T18:29:00.001+01:00

Life throws all sorts of curves at us… good, bad and even feminine.

I was blindsided by such feminine curves a few years ago, when I first migrated.

I met, through happenstance, good luck, coincidence – name it what you will – the perfect woman. Seriously. Okay, some will say there is no such thing. I have evidence to disagree.

I was working one day, minding my own business when the perfect woman, well girl, walked through the door. I guess, like Michael in the Godfather, I was hit by the Thunderbolt. That’s the feeling you get when you get tunnel vision on someone and no one else, nothing else exists even for a moment.

I remember my mouth falling open.

Soon my co-workers and customers knew the moment she walked in the door in the ensuing days. I’d be ga-ga and not able to function – if I drooled, I’d have to have someone wipe my mouth I’m sure.

I lost it, completely. Or… did I find it?

In 7 years, I’ve never stopped thinking about her. I guess I’d hoped that I could be something more than a friend.. all honourable of course. Life is tough enough going through without pining for that someone special…

Did I mention she was Turkish?

Me being a Hindu Indian with brown skin… well, let’s just say that I found out that her culture would never accept me, no matter how much she likes me, or loves me. Not that she does, or did. I think her awareness would have not allowed her to risk getting close.

We’re friends… but it’s a hard friendship. Many ups and downs and – curves.

I think it will never be as harmonious from my end as all the others I have. The Thunderbolt you see, still does not care who gets hit.

Redeeming graces

2009-10-03T05:12:00.008+01:00

Sometimes I am disgusted with human behaviour. The reasons are too many to list here but suffice to say, of all the animals, we have the potential and intention to be cruel.

That is not to condemn the fact that we do have redeeming graces.

Watching the news yesterday, and listening to a report about a woman needing an organ transplant, I was surprised to hear an 11 year old in the room express a wish to be an organ donor.

More amazingly, after being told that yes, she can sign up, she then wondered 'when will they take the organs, and will I die?'

Faith in humanity? You bet your arse...

Auf Wiedersehen

2009-10-01T00:08:00.001+01:00

It’s hard letting friends go. I think sometimes letting a good friend go out of our lives must be harder than accepting the death of a love one. After all, death is inevitable.

Today, my friend moved away. I don’t think it’s my place to say why, but that does not stop me from feeling sad about it.

I think the really weird part is that we became closer friends because she was moving away. She had a lot going on in her life, with the death of a close relative a short time ago, knowledge of another – a sibling- diagnosed with a fatal disease, and another relative in ICU. Yes, it is a lot.

I think sometimes of the trite statements of the clergy that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. Just proves to me how insensitive they can be no matter the religion, or the sex… though the men are indeed worse.

I think rather the human capacity to cope with adverse circumstances and emotions will never cease to amaze me.

Now, I do not want to say goodbye to my friend. Sometimes there is a bit of the Papa Bear in me that wants to protect, to cuddle, to nurture, to save from harm. It’s impossible of course, but I can provide a shoulder.

So rather than say goodbye, I’ll say ‘Auf Wiedersehen’, the literal – until we meet again.

Changes

2009-09-28T07:02:00.001+01:00

Life can be whimsical, funny and well… play a lot of games with us. The unexpected happens.

Yesterday I ran into an old girlfriend. Someone I dated about a decade and a half ago. At that time, she was a slim, sexy wench, and an eager if inexperienced sex partner. We grew apart because she was not a particularly nice person, if I may say so.

Time changes us all though, and while I look no different now to what I looked like back then, except for some more muscle, she changed quite drastically!

She grew larger.

I was rather amazed at how much. I think she might have been about 180 lbs.

As we exchanged greetings in the street, I learnt she was divorced, had one child and well, just basically grew disgruntled. I supposed that meant she had no excuse to stay in shape.

As she walked away, I noticed that one of her haunches looked as big as her whole arse did back when we were dating (before she got married). Her big arse, tapering down to her still tiny feet, somehow reminded me of a sow’s behind. No joke.

Life sure can be funny at times.

Guests

2009-09-27T04:32:00.001+01:00

Guests can be strange people. I refer to guests as anyone who comes into my home, both strangers as well as acquaintances.

Last night, I was laying abed, when I started thinking about the weird guests I’ve had in my home on several occasions. No, I can’t explain what led my thoughts to this direction.

One, a female, visited in transit to another country. She stayed a week. What was weird was how she watched her weight… she forced herself to regurgitate everything that she ate. At first, I felt offended that my food (cooking) was displeasing, but then I realised that though she was not bulimic, she was one of those who gave in to the demands of society and a high profile job, and attempted to keep weight control this way.

On the other hand, I had another guest, again female, who insist on putting Nestlé's sweetened condensed milk over cereal as a desert after her dinner. All the while moaning how she wanted to lose weight. She claimed it was her ‘comfort’ food. Needless to say, she was overweight.

Then a friend asked me to take in one of his friends who was evicted. I did him a favour and took in this chap, a black Jamaican fellow.

What was amazing was when one evening I ordered a Chinese meal. One of the dishes was Hunan lamb, a dish I particularly like for it’s spicy taste.

I allowed my guest to dish out his own food and was astounded when he dug out all the lamb and left all the veggies behind. Seriously. I mean, the man is a guest in my home, eating a meal I paid for, and yet, instead of dividing the food equally, he chose to take out the ‘best bits’ so to speak. I thought it particularly galling.

I once had an overweight distant relative staying who refused to scrub the toilet after using. Yes, the brush was taboo. As we all know, flushing alone is sometimes never enough. I’ll leave the rest up to the imagination.

Am I the only one who encounters these fucking weirdoes?

Books

2009-09-26T17:39:00.001+01:00

I love reading. I read anything I can lay my hands on. I remember visiting my mother’s brother when I was around 8 and discovering his ‘treasure trove’ of Readers Digest. That was such an impact on me, I still subscribe to the magazine today.

I like various authors and over the past few years I read all of Dan Brown’s novels.

I just finished reading Dan Brown’s The Lost Symbol. Frankly, it’s created a bit of mixed feeling in me.

It started off well, and rose to a climax in the middle, then went downhill from there. It’s nowhere nearly as good as The Da Vinci Code, and somewhat better than Angels and Demons.

The plot idea has premise, but is not treated by Brown kindly. It babbles to the end with the same mindless quotations and ideas the Church promulgates to those who don’t think for themselves; not that I am saying that what opposes the Church’s teaching is right.

I guess it’s worth a read, only I was disappointed to find the climax in the middle of the book and not the end.

Absurdities

2009-09-25T05:03:00.001+01:00

I had a most absurd week. First, the phone company sent me a bill with arrears that doesn’t make sense, since I clearly recall over paying on my last 2 bills (deliberately). I hate to send money electronically for some reason, that is not leaving my account with a rounded figure. :-)

Therefore, I always pay a figure of £10 or £5 more than my bill.

Next, I attempted to register a new business, only to realise that the required forms, which MUST be had from official stationers, cannot be found. It seems Her Majesty’s government is shirking responsibility, as even the Companies House cannot direct me to said forms.

I found out that the doctor’s office is unwilling to make concessions for those knowledgeable, to book appointments or request repeat prescriptions, via emails. Why? Because too many immigrants are unaware of HOW to do this. Never mind that it would considerably ease the burden on those of us who can, and also ease the strain on the phone system… one which is eternally busy I might add at this point.

My frustrated colleague tossed his PC across the room. Why, I do not know; suffice to say, he now can’t do anything on it as it is damaged beyond repair, and he has to fork out the money for a new one.

The gas man who came to read the meter yesterday appeared in shorts. Huh? How professional is that? I’m contemplating filing a complaint.

With the digital switchover coming for televisions, I am wondering what would happen to viewers like myself who have perfectly fine working television sets that are not digitally compatible. Are we to toss them out and buy new compatible ones?How many millions of sets will it be necessary to get rid off? How will they be disposed off?

I understand that the British TV Licensing wants people to pay a Licence fee to watch television through the Internet. Huh? How is that different from watching a You Tube video? It’s through the Internet, there are no components of a television in the PC!

The absurdities in this world is just mind boggling, for fuck’s sake.

Meetings

2009-09-14T06:48:00.001+01:00

I have a full day booked today – 5 appointments spreading from 8 AM to 3 PM. I hate meetings.

Meetings are the biggest time wasters where the least get done. As a (sometimes) manager, I hate to have them, and to attend them. I’ve never conducted one that lasted over 20 – 30 minutes.

Most of the times, I’ve attended meetings where praise is given for mediocrity. I’ll give you an example: One meeting was held supposedly to plan a new rotation of staff… turned out to be high praise for a soon-to-be retired colleague, who incidentally was actually having a retirement party. Why the praise could not wait until then… I suddenly had the urge to pee, and it was a gusher because I spent 20 minutes in the loo, until the meeting was over.

Mostly, when I conduct meetings for my staff, I expect solutions to come along with the problems. A staff member encounters a problem, I expect him/her to be able to answer “What are you going to do about it?” at the meeting. No time for bullshit. If you can’t solve your own problems, you aren’t any use to me or the company.

The worst is when higher managers attempt to stonewall me, and think they can get away with pissing around. I am not politically correct.

Anyway, let’s see how much fucking around is done today.

When are you good enough?

2009-09-12T21:24:00.001+01:00

I’ve just been watching an episode of Friends – the American sitcom. I think of all the American sitcoms, Friends and Family Ties remain my 2 absolute favourites.

Friends has a closer place in my likeability index (if such a thing exists) though. I know it’s because of the character Ross.

I have a close affinity to that guy. I understand his predicaments, and his character maybe more than I should. Maybe it’s because I am uncannily like him.

I think I am more sympathetic to him because of his love life, his relationship with Rachel (the near misses etc), his relationships and awkwardness… It all reminds me of… me.

Having people poke fun at you is no joke though. I remember, growing up, I was not in the best financial position, since my dad died early and my mom was a housewife. I had to go to work from quite young.

I remember going to school with stained hands and calluses all over them, from much physical work. I was laughed at for my hands, would you believe?

When my friends were going out, and I declined because I could not afford the expenses, I was often put down and insulted. I think maybe a lot of them never understood the difference between needs and wants. Heck, some of them never even understood what want was.

I remember the first time I fell in love. I mean really in love, the kind you think about years later and wonder ‘what if…’.

Her dad just told me flat out he did not want me seeing his daughter because I was not good enough. Ironic that within 3 months of him telling me that, I was earning 3 times what he was earning at the time. What happened to his daughter, I do not know, but I am not sorry he said that to me.

It gave me a decided drive to succeed.

I suppose that its because I am similarly unlucky in love as Ross that I am sympathetic to him. I’ve written before on how I never found a woman I can trust. I’ve also never found one who was unselfish enough to wait a bit and build a relationship, or get to know me.

Or, maybe I’ve always found excuses to run… I don’t know. I’ll have to give it some thought.

To be continued…

Travel or not to travel?

2009-09-12T16:27:00.001+01:00

For the longest time, I’ve been contemplating visiting Holland. I have friends there, so finding a place to stay without paying for a hotel would not be too difficult.

I’ve always been fascinated with Holland, ever since I was a young fellow growing up and read the story of the boy who slept all night with a finger in a dyke. How could an entire country live and work while being under sea level?

Then, as I grew up, I realised that Holland was a beautiful bit of eye candy as well. Flower capital of the world, windmills, lovely countryside. I’ve even heard the food is good.

Now, with the proliferation of the Internet and super-fast information dispersal, it’s even more fascinating as I can see first-hand what it looks like.

Soon, soon… I’ll be coming for a visit. :-)

Age and resolve

2009-09-10T18:34:00.001+01:00

On the way to see my doctor this morning, I had a blinding insight, that would have made a heck of a post. Unfortunately, I forgot.

That’s one of the hazards of getting older. We tend to lose some of the higher functions we had when we were younger. Physically and mentally too. I hate the creaks I hear when I try to get out of bed in the morning. Or the way my hip tells me it is going to rain.

I shudder every time I think of how much flexibility I lost. Eeegh, and how much stamina. Both in and out of the bedroom. I hope experience counts.

But age does have some advantages. What would I give to know what I know now back in high school. Especially about women. :-)

But I guess ageing is one thing we absolutely must do, so I’ve resolved to do it as well as I can.

I am a ‘holic

2009-09-04T07:12:00.001+01:00

I am a caffeine addict. Not from coffee though.

I got addicted to caffeine through drinking Pepsi. Seriously, Pepsi is a unique drink. Coke aficionados are a largely ignorant lot, since they can’t appreciate the quality of a drink if you force it down their throats.

I can close my eyes and tell you the difference in sounds when the bottle cap on a Pepsi or Coke bottle is popped.

I can also tell you the difference in smell and taste if I am blindfolded.

In my distant youth, I chugged up to 3 litres of Pepsi a day. Not something I am proud of now, but… I am proud of myself. I have not drank Pepsi for months now.

And if I can beat my Pepsi habit, I can do anything. .. right?

Changes

2009-09-02T06:38:00.001+01:00

I feel a little despondent this morning. My neighbour, with whom I share a very good relationship, and who has been living next door for 13 years has sold his house. He is moving. He hasn’t actually told me so yet but I know because the ‘For Sale’ sign is down, and several others in the know have confirmed this.

I feel despondent because he is a very nice guy, his family is too. They are what people call ‘salt of the earth’. I’ll miss popping over to his house every couple of days to exchange movies, recipes or just have a chit-chat.

At the side of him, another neighbour is moving too, this one a female. She is also a nice person, and we share a lot in common, in reading material, in movies, music – she even introduced me to several artistes I’d never heard before. She taught me to dance – serious. :)

The changes are happening, whether I like them or not. I’ll miss them, not only for the good times I will remember, but also for the way they interacted in my life.

And I am not sure what the new neighbours moving in will be like.

Abuse

2009-08-30T21:53:00.001+01:00

I was abused as a child. Don’t get the wrong idea, it wasn’t sexual abuse.

No, I am talking about the physical, emotional and mental abuse that comes from living in the islands of the Caribbean, where this is a ‘normal’ way of life. Children (and parents) accept it as part of the culture, part of how things are, part of… life.

Your child misbehaves – lick like peas.
Your spouse idling – licks like peas
The food tasting bad – licks like peas
You suspect your wife is unfaithful – licks like peas
either of the above ‘answer back’ – licks like peas

You get the picture. Is licks like peas for every thing, usually accompanied by cussing, mental abuse like insults, put-downs etc.

The more creative parents and relatives who take care of children will put these to kneel in the sun, on a ‘grater’ to hold 2 stones above their heads. And when heat and tiredness affect the posture, the hands fall, or the spine relaxes – licks like peas!

Licks with spoons (wooden and metal), with firewood, with tree branches, whips (tamarind and guava works best being hardy, durable, flexible and lasts a very, very long time, not to mention hurts like hell!), poui (seriously!), leather belts, strops, even the thin flexible leather belt that came on those older Singer peddle machines…

I’ve seen and experienced most of it.

When abuse, the physical kind, is accompanied by the worst of cuss words, and shouted at the top of the abusers’ lungs for the entire village to hear, then that leaves a mark.

What prompted this post is a dream I had last night. In my dream someone was shouting…

My dream woke me up, greatly distressed, sweating and with palpitating heartbeats. Till today, shouting by anyone distresses me greatly. If it is someone in ‘authority’ like a boss, it is worse and I react badly, and am often tempted to defend myself physically. Seriously. Because I ‘learnt’ that after the shouting, it was licks like peas. It’s a conditioning I have lived with all my life.

Even after several decades, the mental anguish that abuse created in me has not yet diminished to any significant extent.

Not even after counselling, and growing up knowing that it is now behind me. It’s become part of… life.

A treat

2009-08-30T20:32:00.001+01:00

Today I had honey fudge. Yes, it is better than regular fudge.

At loose ends?

2009-08-30T09:41:00.001+01:00

Ever wondered what to do on a rainy day?

Since I am a more ‘indoorsy’ type of person, a regular ‘geek’, I always try to stay indoors whenever it rains. Especially in winter. Who wants rain at 5°C or less falling down on his head, or down his collar?

Anyway, over time, I’ve invested in some things to help me spend some time without going start raving mad…

I bought books. Lots and lots of books.

I bought myself Scrabble (both the board and electronic versions for my PC), and some other interesting games. I like Cashflow, the electronic version since I can play without companions.

I have a good Internet connection; and a large collection of movies, over 3000 at last count. And yes, I am running out of storage space.

Lately, I have been converting my books to electronic PDF files, with the principal aim of giving away the hard copies, and I discovered Project Gutenberg some years ago which makes over 19,000 books available in text form for readers around the world. These books cover all categories and include non-fiction as well as fiction. By the way, you can even download a DVD/CD with the books on it!

This is especially handy as I can move books to my cell phone and read it with the office suite (which includes a PDF reader) while I travel, or am on a long train trip etc.

Last but not least, I have invested in many tutorials (not recommended for those who cannot afford it… one course can cost a lot!) which I spend time learning when I have time among all my other interests. I particularly like video tutorials as opposed to text based, so I invest in these as a preference.

Relatives

2009-08-29T06:44:00.001+01:00

I have some of the strangest relatives a person can imagine. They don’t look strange mind you, it’s their behaviour I find rather annoying.

Take for example, my mother’s nieces and nephews. All 4 girls and 2 boys left Trinidad some 30 odd years ago. In the ensuing years, not a peep, not even when my father died.

Suddenly, they find out I am living out of Trinidad – and I am truly good enough to associate with once again. They wanted my phone contact or email.

I told mom to tell them fuck off. If they do decide to call me, they will get more than an earful; a fact I made clear to the matriarch.

Then I have an uncle, my father’s brother who is an accountant… usually covering up shady deals for big businesses. After his cut, he has become wealthy.

So… his idea now is to put down me and my siblings. I’ve already told him to fuck off too.

With relatives like these, who the hell needs enemies?

For the love of a good book

2009-08-28T06:58:00.001+01:00

It has been a while since I read a good book. At the time the JK Rowling wrote book seven of the Harry Potter series I was also reading three books by Christopher Paolini. You may know them as the "Eragon" series. The fourth book is yet to be published.

Recently, I finished four books by Stephanie Meyers, the "Twilight" series. These books detail the romance between a 100+ year old vampire, and a teenage human girl. The first book has been made into a movie.

Stephanie Meyers has broken a couple of JK Rowling’s records, as well as established some of her own.

I enjoyed these books and would recommend them to anyone. They especially handy to encourage new young readers. Those with young children, and by young I mean young teenagers, will do well to purchase these books and encourage reading.

3,2,1 Contact!

2009-08-24T15:56:00.001+01:00

How much contact do we need?

I ask this question because of a very interesting ‘thing’ going on with me right now.

I deleted ALL phone numbers and contacts details from my cell phone.

All I have to hand are those numbers I’ve memorised that I use frequently.

To my surprise, I don’t miss them on my phone, I have no reason to call any of those other numbers I’ve been clinging to so lovingly all these years…

This proves to me, at least, that people I know, I’ve placed too much importance on attachment to them…

My Bucket List

2009-08-22T21:30:00.001+01:00

Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicolson made a movie that was rather an intriguing concept – making a ‘Bucket List’. A bucket list is a list of things you wish you had done before you die. Essentially, a list of regrets.

Growing up as a teenager, I thought there were many things I won’t be able to do. I never had a dream of driving a car for instance, because I knew my family could never own one – poverty eliminates a lot of dreams I guess.

Yet, some 12 years later, I owned 2 cars.

I also never thought I’d be able to afford to travel outside of the borders of Trinidad and Tobago. So far, 15 years later, I’ve already visited some 7 countries.

I never thought I’d be able to use a computer. Again, a question of affordability. I remember how fascinated I was seeing my then girlfriend use Word on a PC in her office, and how I could not tear my eyes off the screen.. heck, I forgot about eating lunch! (I was young and randy so I was distracted when she said ‘eat me!’).

Now, I can build a computer from scratch, write my own software codes, and own quite a few. My cellular telephone is essentially a mini-computer also.

The point is, there are so many things I didn’t think I could do, and yet, I have done. Now I want to add a few more to my wish list.

learn to play a guitar
learn to play a tabla
ride a horse
learn to whistle (I ‘forgot’ how)
take up archery
read 1000 books in a year (I can speed read 1000+ words a minute)
run a marathon again
drive a race car at least once
see the Taj Mahal
live in a Canadian log cabin, in winter
do an acrylic painting on canvas
carve my own chess set
learn calligraphy
write a book

This list is amendable.

Remembrance

2009-08-21T08:13:00.001+01:00

It’s funny how the mind plays tricks on us.

One day, just recently, I remembered a time in my life that was over 15 years ago. Needless to say, I think it was an important time, because it has affected me, and continues to affect me even now.

It was a happy time for me, even if what followed was a lot sadder and harder to swallow and deal with.

I remembered the first girl I ever asked to marry me.

I remembered some strange things, like how she went out of her way to get me little stuff to show her appreciation for having me in her life, like shirts, colognes, even a pen or two.

I remembered how beautiful she looked when we woke up in the morning, (we lived together for a while), as if she hadn’t slept at all. She was truly beautiful, inside and out.

I found myself wondering where she is now, how she is doing, what happened to her.

Then I resumed my own life, thankful, but not put out, by a pleasant interlude.

Blogging comes after?

2009-08-20T18:25:00.002+01:00

For some months, I've been neglecting my blog as I cope with other things going on in my life. I vow now to make a conscious effort to blog more, and to keep my thoughts flowing.

Liars all

2007-12-19T04:30:00.000Z

I have never met a woman I can trust. Seriously.

At some point in time, I always catch them in a lie, and while the lie itself may be small, it pisses me off to no end that they see nothing wrong with lying.

I wondered many a time on this - why do women see the need to lie to men? Is it because they fear a change in relationships/friendships? Can they not trust to tell the truth and let the men deal with it positively? It is far worse to lie and then deal with the negative fallout.

I just found out one of my new friends in a lie, hence this blog post. Now, the lie itself is not important, but I wonder if the lie came about because she doesn't want our friendship changed? Too late though... I can't abide people lying to me.

Next?

2007-11-29T21:04:00.000Z

Imagine you are in a box. It is dark; pitch black in there. You cannot see anything, but you can sense that it is just a bit taller than if your hands are stretched over your heads, and a bit wider than if you stretch your hands wide at shoulder level.

No matter how hard you try, you cannot feel a wall, you cannot find a way out.

And now you can sense the walls that are just out of your touch are closing in, pressing against you, stifling you, cutting you off from everything you know, everything you are, everything you want to be.

You are losing hope, your chances of escape shrink with each second that ticks by. You are shouting with all your might and yet no one hears, no one answers. No rescue.

What next?

Reflections

2007-11-20T03:25:00.000Z

It occurred to me that I have few people in my life I can truly trust. Even for little things.

Is it human nature to let others down, or just to be an arsehole? Even best friends turn, and there you are, all misguided thinking you have that friend at your back.

I've realised over some time, especially applicable to women, I've never met one worthy of my trust.

A beautiful mind

2007-11-13T06:08:00.000Z

I've had the most creative thoughts just as I was about to fall asleep. For some reason, that twilight world between half asleep and half awake is the time my mind works best. I can honestly say I've had great insights to insurmountable obstacles.

Last night was one of those where an absolute gem flashed by.

Why don't we tie shoelaces (tight!) around the necks of all political and religious leaders and leave them to rot in... Australia?

Beating that conscience down

2007-11-10T18:27:00.000Z

I am a nice guy. Too nice at times I think. So nice, my conscience bothers me... well, bother might be too mild a word. It rings bells in my head, keeping me awake, giving me endless horrors... generally being a fucking pain in the... head.

Why am I going on about my conscience?

About 20 minutes ago I had a call from a former friend in another country. Now I migrated several years ago, and in doing so, most of my 'friends' showed their true colours by not keeping in touch. Come on, in an age of email, snail mail, telegrams, faxes and other sundry communications media, not one had the courtesy to send even an occasional response to my contact efforts.

So basically, I stopped fucking around, and just called it quits. And the conscience went fucking nuts, beating up on me like Stone Cold Steve Austin on Vince McMahon.

Today, when M called I was curious. Not hearing one way or the other for years, and now a call out of the blue. The news is that she is getting engaged.

So what does that have to do with me? Heck if I know, reasoning in her mind must have been all fucked up. I haven't slept with her and despite the attraction of my pecker for prime pussy, she never really made it into the lair. I'm still trying to figure out the purpose of the call.

I should have let the conversation run a bit longer though, to get at the convoluted thinking. Instead I told her to kiss my royal arse, and then we terminated that shit call.

Only now, my conscience is playing Desi Arnaz inside my head and beating those drums like a fucking Shango drummer on steroids. Like I said, I'm a nice guy.

I just have to learn to beat that conscience down.

It's brand new

2007-11-10T16:54:00.000Z

This is a place where I hope to vent, air my thoughts, and generally express myself. In other words, where MY mind matters.